“Aah… you’re doing better” said the horse. “That’s good.
Time helps such things.”
Yes. the pain is lessening. My first time back to the barn was really rough though. When I saw your nameplate, taken off your stall and put on the tack trunk, the loss hit me all over again. I’m sorry, I know it’s self-pity, but 24 years was just not enough time with you and I miss you terribly. I still automatically go to your stall with apple slices…. But what you told Kristen really has helped so much.
“I knew it would.
That morning when I felt something strange, like a tearing, in my gut I knew things were about to change. And you needed to know I knew.”
As we’d grown older, I’d think about the inevitable and hope the end would be an easy decision for me. Severe colic, bad injury etc. making it obvious what had to be done. Tragic, but a no-brainer to end your pain with no guilt. But a few weeks ago I realized how wrong that thinking was: your pain should lessen my pain/guilt? NO, that’s just not acceptable.
I now know I would have been wrong not to let you go. I know you knew it was your time, that this was the way it had to be. You let Jimmy know, and both of you were ready. I needed to let you go peacefully.
Over the years I’ve loved so many companions who I’ve had to put to sleep. It’s always been hard, but it was always obvious it was time to release them from their suffering.
It’s was so much more difficult, heart wrenching, to make this decision. There you were, standing in the sun, coat warm and shining, happily gobbling up grass. I could have easily fooled myself into thinking all the colic pain was over, you’d gotten thru it, and you’d be OK. But you knew you couldn’t get better. You knew it was your time…. “Better a week early than a day late.” It was so hard to let you go but I couldn’t let you suffer more.
“Ah, you humans complicate everything don’t you?” said the horse.”You know how much I loved my life with you. But it was simply time for me to go. And now it’s time for you to heal and move on.”
I’m so blessed to have had you as my partner for 24 years, so grateful for the connection we had. I can’t imagine finding another horse who can compare to you – I suppose it’s not fair to set such a high standard.
“You’re the most loving person I’ve ever known. You need to give that love to another horse. Not a replacement, a new being to get to know and enjoy time with.”
But I feel like I’ve lost part of my soul.
“You know that can’t happen. My soul is entwined with your soul, always.”
“Do you remember what you asked me awhile ago?” said the horse.
Yes, I do.
